yesterday we had a little chat over lunch about what we're gonna become once we get out of university and become registered pharmacists. will we move forward and further our studies in pharmacy or do we simpy stop? will we become admin pharmacists? educational? industrial? all these questions seemed easy to them (my pharmacy seniors) but it's the other way around for me.
i remember when i was little. mulut tak henti cakap nak jadi doctor la, surgeon la. result spm da habis gempak dah. everything seemed to be going according to plan. my plan. parents superexcited to finally have a doctor in our family. but God had completely different plans for me. Tuhan, yang membalik balikkan hati para hambaNYA. i was not left out in this. in just 3 months, i had a sudden change of heart. i started questioning my intentions. true, i loved biology, and i still do. until this very day, itu subject yang aku paling skor sekarang. anatomy and stuff. and it's true as well that loved many other things, history, linguistics.
i remember telling mum that i wanted to become a doctor for the money. that's it. itu goal aku. nothing else. how derailed i was. doing something for money, something that doesn't last longer than a fleeting second. how wrong my intention was.
i lost my senses. in the heat of the moment, finally i made a decision. a decision i'll continue making every single day. no matter how many faces i let down. no, bukan minat. bukan duit jugak. tapi sebab Tuhan gerakkan hati aku ke arah itu. so tak perlulah tanya kenapa aku tak study medic. tak payah buat muka keji bila tengok aku. aku one of top scoring 2007 spm students dalam malaysia, aku public speaker sekolah aku, kalau nak amik medic, tiada apa yang bole stop aku except ALLAH swt and Dia yang takdirkan aku berubah hati. Dia. BUKAN AKU SENGAJA SENGAJA SUKA SUKA. ingat aku suka ke hancurkan hati mak aku? patah hati aku. patah. kau tau apa. cuma tau mengkritik dan megutuk. ALLAH yang turunkan ujian ni kak aku. aku tak pernah mintak pun ujian macam ni. tak pernah. tapi ini rezeki aku. bahagian aku. cukuplah ALLAH sebaik baik perancang bagi aku. apa kau cakap tak penting bagi aku.
now, when people start asking me again, what am i gonna be once i graduate? aku dah tak taw nak cakap apa. bila aku sebut lecturer, rasa tak sedap. sebut community pharmacist, lagilah. hospital pharmacist, xyah citer ah. i'm scared that if i start telling people wanna do this and this, padahal aku xde sedikit kuasa pun on takdir, i'll disappoint them eventually. hati aku Tuhan yang punya. sometimes, even i lose control over my heart.
this is a lesson learnt. the way i see it, i didnt fail, no. how could i have failed when God gave me all the best results that were the envy of everyone? no i didnt. it's simply God telling me to trust Him and that he holds the key to the future of His servants, not us. not us. not us.
and i still cant forgive myself for letting her down. i still am beating myself up because of it when it wasnt even my fault.
if heartache was a physical pain, i could face it. but it's hurting me from inside of my head. im gonna lose my mind over this.
ps- terlalu mahu dan mahu, terlupa apa yang perlu. tak mudahnamun tak susah, terserah pada pilihan.
