hey ho peeps. dah lama tak update stuff kat sini. nak buat camana, malas punye pasal. lol. by the way, cumil kan budak kecik tepi ni? *budak kecik, bukan mak cik yang pegang dia tu ok*.
nama dia ahmad zaki, anak a couple of postgrads kat sini. pipi kembang x hengggaat dunia! rasa nak gigit banyak banyak! haha.
chubby babies aside, there's something i need to let out once and for all here, so i can get a proper closure to the mess that i was in just a couple months ago.
the last 5 months had given me the most excruciating pain i've ever felt in 20 years. the pain of losing something that i hold very dearly and closely to my heart. i had to give up a form of convenience and resort to asking for help from friends. i became a beggar, overnight. just like that.
now, i dunno how people react when they are bereft of something that they're so very used to but for me, it's like losing a limb. truth be told, i loved kazib. he was there whenever i needed him. tak pernah meragam. dia kereta yang loyal. and you might smirk and say : alah, kereta, bukan benda hidup pun. kalau da hilang, beli lah baru.
words are always easy. like the flowing river. but reality aint. nak beli kereta baru, housemates tak mahu. nak beli dengan duit sendiri, kalau campur dengan road tax and stuff, bole kebulur for a year. i felt like i had finally hit a cul de sac. no where to go. no loopholes. no exits. so i became angry. makan dalam orang melayu cakap. cuba cakap kat orang, tapi orang hanya mampu bagi simpati or just wat dono. aku lemas. my everyday was spent thinking if only i hadnt made that choice of coming to perth. i f only i had gone through with my first choice, monash, would things have turned out differently?
aku taw, tak elok fikir camtu. it's bordering on to shirk. i know. but when everything seemed grey and blurry, i couldnt have helped myself not to.
satu demi satu ujian ALLAH turunkan. sampai at one point, aku completely patah semangat. felt like my spine was crushed into a million tiny pieces. i couldnt get out of bed. always wanting to sleep. suicidal. nak jumpa orang pun tak nak. nak senyum apatah lagi. tapi orang sekeliling tak memahami. tak pernah memahami, that i am different.
all they had to say was, 'sudahlah tu, tak payah marah lagi. benda kecik je' but it wasnt just small potatoes to me. that was my last straw.
a week before the end of semester 1 exams, i video called mum. and told her ' ma, kakak nak balik'. mama tak tanya kenapa, aku pun tak cerita. mama tak pernah taw pun anak dia kena depression. pandai kan aku berlakon?
so i bought my tickets. mahal pun mahal lah. aku da tak kisah. at that moment, i just felt like disappearing and never to return. i hated this place. there was nothing here that could've made me stay. not a soul not a thing, not a single reason.
sampai je kat airport kb, i was all smiles. rindu mama and abah and adik adik. i felt like i had been reunited with my lost soul. semangat untuk bangun sedikit demi sedikit datang balik. by the end of my holidays, i was almost free of sadness. alhamdulillah.
hikmah
aku slalu tanya Tuhan. why was i the one to have to let go of everything, and sacrifice for everyone? mak pun cakap, aku anak dia yang banyak sacrifice. bukan nak menunjuk. takde ape yang nak dibanggakan. sacrificing is painful. kena banyak bersabar. tak taulah camana aku bole survive sampai sekarang. rasa marah of course tetap ade. tapi dengan pertolongan ALLAH, bisikan iblis duk hasut2 kadang2 aku dapat tepis. tapi kadang kadang, rasa marah tu akan datang visit. bila dia datang visit, dia stay agak lama. maybe that's why la kot once aku marah, aku marah sangat sangat, sampai orang baik pun aku nampak jahat.
tapi Tuhan Maha Adil. setiap yang Dia ambil, Dia kurnia yang jauh lebih baik kat aku. everytime. kadang2 rasa macam Tuhan bagi special attention kak aku. wallahua'alam. God knows, aku bukannya baik sangat. tapi entah kenapa, Tuhan tetap memberi. Tuhan Yang Maha Pemurah.
seminggu before flying back to perth, adik lelaki bongsu aku had a minor bone accident. an almost clean cut through his finger. tulang almost putus. ayah takde kat rumah. abang abang pun. in an instant aku jadi anak first. sepatutnya aku balik esoknye, but ikut nasihat kawan, aku beli tiket baru. i had spent almost a thousand dollars on flight tickets. tapi subhanallah, duit aku tetap cukup. rezeki daripada ALLAH. mak panic tengok darah kat jari adik. aku cakap kat mak, bawak adik p hospital. p hospital, doc cakap maybe kena potong, luruh jantung mama, mana tak, adik aku kecik lagi, losing a finger may sound trivial but trust me, adik aku mengerang kesakitan the whole time. "aduh tangan aku!" to a child, losing a finger means a whole lot more than just losing a finger. alhamdulillah berkat doa mama, surgeon in charge cakap still bole repair bone jari tu.
tapi ni pun ada hikmah. malam tu abang abang balik. alhamdulillah, dapat jugak kami gather satu family. mama pun nampak happy. semangat aku pun da fully recovered.
and now, whenever i think about all the things that had happened not long ago, i cant help smiling at the thought of it. luasnya Rahmat Illahi. kadang kadang, kita terlepas pandang. alhamdulillah. :)
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| kadang kadang anas buat kakak risau. sangat. |
