hey you. hope you're doing well on the other side of the world and i hope you're trying as hard as i am to forget me. as much as i am trying to forget all about you. just how long do i have to endure just to get the mere image of you out of my head? feels like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder and funny thing is, i dont have the strength put the weight down anymore. no friends to come and ease the storm raging inside, no family member to confide in. i feel so goddamned alone.

if this was a movie, you'd be here right now. i just wanna see you at my front door. i just wanna cry in your arms.


if i had my way, i would've asked you to stay.

"for all my education, accomplishments and so-called wisdom....i can't fathom my own HEART" - woody allen

doesnt everyone of us feel the same way as the quote above? no matter how high our education is, our heart still plays riddles on us.

i remember conjuring pictures of i myself holding a baby girl, happily chatting away with my husband over tea. enjoying the  fine refreshing breeze of the evening waiting for the sun to set down and disappear beyond the horizon. but i never once imagined that i would be so scared of commiting myself to another person in a relationship. the pain that i constantly see in mum's eyes, her silent tears, are breaking my heart into a tiny million pieces.

no matter how much people keep on talking and preaching about love about willingness to sacrifice for our better halves, i just cant understand why love is such a strange and absurd idea to me. i thought i could bounce back from all of this but no. now, i feel numb all over and lifeless. i have nothing to look forward to except death. friends are out of reach. mum is in pain. dad is just too busy weaving lies, my brothers are all married and i've never felt so alone and powerless as now.

and you. why do i think about you all the time? you are my anger, my sadness...and unfortunately my happiness. how long do i have to endure this for?

i dont even trust my own father. how can i ever trust anybody else? it's just impossible.



i am dead beat. i cant cry anymore. my chest hurts. my smiles are meaningless. it feels like i'm standing on a cliff, waiting for God to save me. because i have no saviour to come running to my rescue. because i cannot trust anyone anymore. i wont trust anyone anymore.



ps- because of you, i cry. 

it hasnt even been a week an already i feel so caged and suffocating. i wish i had my own apartment, earn my own money painstakingly, wake up every morning listening to the chirping birds outside my windows, cooking only when i feel like it, spending my life in silence and in discreet, without the presence of anyone at all. my own home. where i can listen to myself think not feel stressed out because i'm so lacking as a daughter. as a sister. i feel so darn frustrated. me living with other human beings should be made against the law. i mean, even when i dont say anything, people get irritated. i hurt everybody around me even when i dont intend to. i'm such a poison to the society i should be banned.

i'm not a person whom you can air your grievances, i cant be your confidant. my heart and soul are so damaged i dont think i could listen to anyone else's woes and troubles without feeling disgusted and irked. i am not a good person. my heart is no longer sound. it's shattered so many times i think the only way to bring the pieces back together again is by living in solitude. if you knew me well, you'd agree.   i am sorry for my own shortcomings. i am sorry if by any chance that i'd hurt you. i just want my freedom. something that is so fluid, i cant even grasp it with my hands.


i am sorry. but i have some serious issues with myself sometimes i think i must've lost it somewhere along the line.   i just wish i could wriggle myself free and live alone. in perth and in malaysia. but of course, emancipation doesnt always come upon request, sometimes, it comes after years of perseverence. years. sounds long but then again, i dont know how much longer i have to live this life.  



dear God, please, fix me.

exams aint over yet bitches. i've got one paper left and i cant friggin wait anymore for holidays to kick off. dahla last paper unit yang paling mengsampah. tsk. sabar la joyah oooii.
highlight of today: arsenal trumps over chelsea, scoring 5 goals. dayyiuuum!. its ok chelsea, korang memang sucky pon. haha. kutuk kelab kegemaran sendiri, gilo ko joyah.
today i triumphantly woke up at 12pm and stayed in bed until 5 pm. hah!
badan and hotak aku penat hokkay i spent 2 weeks memorising hundreds upon hundreds of drugs. hari hari tido lambat kot. where's my beauty sleep daa. habis kulit muka i. tsk.
ok la, da penat. nak tido.
ciao amigo. muuah.


ps- seriously dude, i miss you!

i know i'm in my exam week now. i know i should be busting my arse bent over my lecture notes and i very well know that im jeopardising my future by doing this. but frankly, i dont care. i'm so effing stressed out (pardon my language it just goes to show how much baggage i'm, carrying on my shoulder right now and screwing everything up is not my gameplan right now obviously) the hell am i saying. anyways,during these two weeks, between studying and cramming drug names and stuff down my throat forcefully, i took breaks watching some stuff. you know, stuff. now i'm not a good writer but writing has always been my strongest element and i really have this strong faith someday i'm gonna be darn good at this. if only i get the chance to improve my written and spoken english but seeing how jammed up my brain is, it's kind of a long shot at the moment.
but i cant give up my passion now can i?

jejaka idaman ku.han kang!

49 days was the first tv series that i enjoyed watching during the study week which was last week. crazy, i know. nak hafal ubat lagi pastu boleh pulak layan citer korea. waddehek? hah. this is how my brain works. science is the bane of my existence, its something that i never really have much interest in honestly and to spend my entire day reading scientific stuff, errr. i could've sunk into a deep coma. seriously people.
back to 49 days, this series is about a girl who is given a chance to live again after crashing into a lorry (typical!) and suffering a severe head injury (again, typical) which results in her being brain dead. a scheduler comes along, tells her she has 49 days to well, prove that people do love her and if she succeeeds, she'll live again. simple no brainer. but jalan citer dia agak best. overall i would give it a 4 star. i'm not a huge fan of korean cheesy drama series, the only  series that i reaally stuck around watching were cinderella's sister , iris and yes, 49days. yang lain semua macam...errr....cintan cintun menggeli gelabahkan bulu roma tengkuk ku.

jennifer behm, season 2 winner. dia cakap: 'dont evr give up'. yang botak tu joe. sape tak kenal gordon ramsay sila terjun laut sekarang

dah habis 49 days, maka kebohsanan pun melanda. maka saya pun teringat tentang the masterchef phenomenon sweeping across the world and i thought, wait a minute, bukan ke masterchef USA ade season 2? and i was right. maka saya pun segeralah ke youtube dan mendownload video2 materchef usa the 2nd season. it was friggin' awesome man! aku tak layan aussie punye simply because meluat dengar accent aussie yang meloyakan tekak itu. hah! gordon ramsay as always, kalau satu episod tak mencarut memang saka dia la tu yang tengah host rancangan tuh. joe bastianich punjaan hatikewww permata intan payung.. awwww. anyways, overall, the second season was way more tasteful than the 1st, hands down.

see what i mean? tengok muka won bin pon ehhh.

and last but not least, i have just finished watching this a couple hours ago and boy was i crying like a baby! everytime won bin nangis, aku nangis, mata dia berair sikit, aku da mencurah curah. waddehek lagi di situ. this epic movie is based on the 1950 war that broke out in south korea due to the communist movement in north korea but the highlight of the story is focused on two brothers yang memang penuh kasih sayang dan tak bole dipisahkan jiwa raga mereka. sayuuuuuuu doooo! seriously untuk yang selalu preach pasal tengok movie ni lagha, here's my counter attack, tae guk gi sikit pun tak lagha because its jam packed with lessons that we can learn from ; family ties, love, and sacrifices. a full five star or this one.



okey tu je.


ps- rindu adik adik.
      marah saya makin reda, alhamdulillah but now i just feel numb. is that a good thing?

woke up with a headache today. hmmph. i dunno what to think of these headaches that ive been getting for the past few months. if it's cancer, i should have another set of symptoms; nausea, vomiting, difficulty walking bla bla. well, two years ago i remember falling on the ground multiple times while playing ball. it hurt like hell, man! habis lebam tangan and paha aku do. time tu xde lagi sakit kepala like now. now, te headache is just a dull ache, it doesnt throb but its there, aching. paracetamol doesnt really work anymore, ibuprofen seems to be.......useless. the ache never really goes away. i mean, i started having double vision a couple months back, the optician said that i ahve astigmatism, that was it. told my brother about this and he urges me to get a CT scan. i'm just scared of the possibility that they might find something (eg a lump/tumour). aaaargh. i hope it's just regular tension headaches. otherwise my days would be numbered and i dunno how the hell would i cope with a dying thought.

if you've got nothing better to say than just keep your mouth shut. i say what? nothing. okay. i'm bonkers that is a fact and i know. haha. it's been a long while since my last rant in here hasnt it? i dont want to kneel down or apologise or anything frankly because it's my prerogative to post updates in here whenever i feel like it.

God, i feel so exhausted. exams start the day after tomorrow.  feeling a little apprehensive, yes, but on the brightside, i'm a day closer to my flight home. cant friggin' wait anymore lah dude. sudah homesick tahap gaban. makan ta lalu, hape pun tak lalu la.

come to think of it, i feel like i'm at a crossroad again. nenek is gone, mom and dad are pretending as if they never had a crisis, i now have nobody to look out for me now that my big brothers are married, hence the chances of them coming home every so often are now very slim. thus, i dont know if i really do wanna go home after all. i mean, im homesick and all but in the end it all comes down to how much pain and anger i'm left with after all that has happened. i can only  keep them under the radar for so long but they're bound to resurface sooner or later because apparently i dont know how to make them disappear. funny. the person that walks around with a smile on their face turns out to be the person with the most anger hidden inside them.


how i miss my friends. the good old times.


please tell me this will all be over soon.


p/s: i bid you farewell a long time ago. my heart is void. again.

no this is not about a music making machine. haha. gah, thumbing through my previous posts really brings up acid up my esophagus. yuck! come one dhamirah, dont be such a loser who whines at every affliction thrown at you. toughen up for Goodness sake!
dah, xmo cakap sedih2 lagi dah. sadness, be gone!

ok as an oversea student (gila perasan hidung kembang kuncup x hengat dunia minah ni!), moh ambe nk share sikit experience, emotional turmoil, homesickness and segala jadah yang kami budak2 obersea rasa setiap kali hari raya menjelma. sobs.

1. ramai antara kami yang mintak mak / ayah/ tok wan/ tok nye/ segala jenis tok lagi untuk poslajukan kuih raya and baju raya. but but but, feeling siooot bila bukak parcel. jatuh berguguran air mata doooow! mana taknye, bukak2 je parcel, bau rumah. oh. sayu di hati. tu belum makan lagi. bila tgk baju raya pulak, selepas eksaited maited menerai baju tersebut, mula ah rasa nostalgik x bole bla. teringat zaman duk kat rumah dolu dolu. sobs lagi di situ.



2. perihal duit raya. xyah buang air liur citer ah. daripada form 5 lagi sedara2 da stop bg duit raya. siot betul. cet! paling banyak pun aku bole kumpol 50 hingget je, tu pun mak bagi. ni da duk obersea, lagi la. xdok lansung! hampehs!


3. rumah terbuka. memang banyak kat sini but but but, feeling nye lain. kat malaysia or to be more specific, kelate, meriah giler x bole blaaaaaaa ah. masakan2 pun sodap ajo. but kat sini, a bit suram bcos : aku homesick daaa. hahaha.


4. kadang kadang kalau tak bernasib baik kami ade lecture/ tutorial/ test on hari raya. malang x malang. dugaaaaaaan. org putih mana taw pape pasal hari raya, tau nak rosakkan anak dara org je. oops! kalau ade lecture, kompem beyond a shadow of doubt aku akan skip, but but but kalau ade test, tute, meratap la jawabmyo joyah oiih! nasib badan.


5. mercun. sorry to say lah, mercun x bole main ye kat aussie nih. kalau nk kena jel haa silakanlah. dahla ade lecture, pastu kna jel lagi. ingat ni kl gangster ke hape?


6. mak ayah adik abang kakak kawan kawan xdek. oh betapa sedihnya hati di situ. sobs. x dapat cium tangan mak ayah, bergurau  senda ngn adik beradik, tambah lagi dengan gelora batin yang homesick. ooh~ bila bukak facebook, ternampak gambar yang abang2 post, aku jadik sedih secara otomatik. mana x nye, diorg happy mappy di kelate, here i am....sobs.



7. ade lagi ke ah? ntah. perut aku da kruk kruk da nih. kurang asam pnye perot, potong stim betul la mak jemah nak berblogging. hish. tampo kang!



8. baju raya tahun ni x buat pun. ok random. bai bai!




ps- selamat mengakhiri ramadhan and happy eid! maap zahir dan batin!.
    - teringat arwah nenek. i miss you mok. :(

you know what, i think i'm now officially bonkers. bad things never stop coming right at me. baru je nak bertatih, bangun semula, kena lagi ujian bertubi tubi. depression masih tak hilang. i seriously need some serious medical intervention wight now i dont think i can go on another day waking every morning feeling like death. ujian Tuhan maha kuat. ujian prang lain aku da x nampak. nampak ujian aku je. merungut je kerja. teruk kan? yes, aku bukan budak baik, jahat, that's more like me. i cant focus in class, and tomorrow i've got this belardi calculation test. things couldnt go any worse at this rate could it? i guess not. GOD, please help me. and yes, i think of you every day and i know you dont feel the same about me that's what i hate so much about this feeling that i can't rip out of my heart. it's like it's stuck there for life. eff it. i don't want love, not right now.


pray for me. please.




ps- should i see a psychiatrist for my depression? i seriously need some antidepressants. fast.

terlupa. last month when i ws back in kelantan, i was bombarded with the same question, no matter where i went, no matter which way i was looking at. cousins, aunts, uncles. everybody kept asking the same question.

'abang abang dah nak kahwin. awak ni bila lagi?'

'awk ni dah ade boyfriend ke belum ni? asyik senyum je'

all i could give them was a shrug. betullah. how am i to know when i am gonna get married? i mean, bukanke jodoh tu Tuhan saja yang taw? how should i know?

in my extended family, there's only a few of us who choose not to be in a couple after leaving highschool. just a few. for me, it's because i don't want to toe the line that God has drawn for all of us.

ramai kawan tanye. 'you takde boyfriend eh?'


and the word 'no' slides out of my mouth effortlessly every time.


they say it's fun to be in a couple. we get to share our feelings, our likes and dislikes. we have a shoulder to cry on. we get to hold hands together.

but for me, bukan saja benda tu salah, but i'd rather have God as my companion. He never turns me away. He listens every time and i dont ever want my dependence on Him to ever diminish. ever.


soal hati. soal kahwin, bukan perkara main main. kalau kahwin bukan berlandaskan taqwa dan iman, takde maknanye. sorry aku tak berminat.


but if that person, sees beyond what stands before him and i the same, than rest assure, God will make it happen no matter what power comes in the way. after all,  He has the upper hand in everything.


i wish i could tell my aunts, uncles and cousins the reason why i havent found the right one yet, because God hasn't allowed to happen just yet.

jodoh, bukan perkara main main. it's half our deen. if it's gonna complete my religion, then i want God to pave the way for me. bukan aku tergedik gedik cari boyfriend.



no im not pious, not a perfect muslim, but if i could avoid crossing the line set by God Himself, then i'd try my hardest to fend off my nafs. its not easy, but never too hard, it's always UP TO YOU.



SAYA BUKAN SOMBONG, tapi saya takutkan Tuhan. that's all.

1. Ask Allah to enable you to reach Ramadan and to get the most out of it as the Salaf (early generation of pious people) used to do.

2. Intend to fast every day with Iman and pure intention seeking the reward from Allah alone. The Prophet peace be upon him said, “Whoever fasts in Ramadan with Iman and seeking reward (from Allah) his past sins will be forgiven”. (Bukhari)

3. Read the whole Qur’an at least once as the Prophet peace be upon him did.

4. Have Suhoor as the Prophet peace be upon him said, “Have Suhoor because it is blessed”.

5. Make Du’a during the fast because the Prophet peace be upon him said that three people’s supplication is not rejected one of them is the fasting person. Ask for the good of this life and the next for yourself, your family and Muslims in general.

6. Make Dua before opening the fast. The Prophet peace be upon him said, “The fasting person has a supplication that is answered when he opens his fast”.

7. Give Sadaqah and be good to people. The Prophet peace be upon him was the most generous of people and he was most generous in Ramadan.

8. Avoid anything that diminishes the fast such as, lying, backbiting, cheating, getting angry. The Prophet peace be upon him said “Whoever does not give up false statements (i.e. telling lies), and evil deeds, and speaking bad words to others, Allah is not in need of his (fasting) leaving his food and drink.” [Bukhari]

9. Do not eat too much after Iftar.

10. Ask for forgiveness since this is the month Allah frees people from the fire.

11. Pray At-Tarawih with Khushoo. If you pray in the Masjid complete the Salah with the Imam. If you pray at home prolong the Salah as long as you can. The Prophet peace be upon him said, “Whoever prays during Ramadan with Iman and seeking reward (from Allah) his past sins will be forgiven”.

12. Feed the poor and invite others for Iftar. The Prophet peace be upon him said, “Whoever gives Iftar to someone fasting he will have the same reward without decreasing the reward of the person fasting”.

13. Try harder the last ten nights especially the odd nights. The prophet would strive in Ramadan more than he would in any other month and more so in the last ten days.

14. Say this Dua in the nights that Laitul-Qadr is likely to fall on: Allhumma innaka afuwun tuhibbul-afwa fa’fu anni (O Allah you are Forgiving and love forgiveness so forgive me).

15. Ask Allah to accept all your good actions during this month.

O you who believe, fasting is decreed for you, as it was decreed for those before you, that you may attain salvation. (Quran, 2:183)



taken from www.islamicthinking.tumblr.com'

i wanna push you so far away that you wont be able to see me again. so you wont come nowhere near to my fragile little heart. so you won't break it again. with your silence. and i hope God will help me cope with this void once more.

ps- i dont believe in that thing called 'love'

now this is just depressing. let me fill you in on this one thing that irks me so much that it disgusts me to the point of creeping me out. i never thought this would ever happen to me but hey, nature works in a very mysterious manner. baffling to the human mind. here goes.

point to note: this  never happened to me in high school. it only subtly started  during my foundation studies, right before i came here. i thought i was just my naturally suspicious instincts flaring up but indeed, i was not wrong. at all.


bit by bit this one person copies me. my likes, my dislikes. hoi, kalau kau tu lelaki yang minat aku takpe jugak ni idok, pompuan yang takde pendirian. aku taw ah aku legend kat intec tuh. *perrgh.perasan gila!* tak payah ah nak tiru aku bodoh!


my english accent, my vocabs, the gadgets i'm using, my grades, my vacation plans, and aku tengok bola pun kau nak ikut?? reti ke ko nak tengok bola? hahahahaha. bodoh. orang yang tak minat bola in a blink of an eye, tetiba minat bola. weeeiiirrrrrrrrrdddddddddd dude!




come on peeps, surely you know what individuality is?even if you don't, at least have some courtesy to show some respect and not copycat a person even if you idolise that certain person. are you really that desperate?

besides, i'm not even worth copying after. not a dime. tak payah susah susah nak jadi macam aku. aku adalah aku. takde sapa pun bole jadi aku except aku.

american heritage dictionary

mama was right all along. berpada pada pilih kawan. tak semua kawan ikhlas berkawan dengan kita. some just want to suck the life out of you slowly and subtly. this is the primary reason why aku tak suka berkawan.



kenapa kau nak sangat jadi macam aku do? tak paham la. sheesh. get a freaking life la man.

seriously, copycat-ing other people should be made a federal crime and severe punishment should be imposed. it's such an abomination to the human rights. my rights as a person.


ps- you're a loser because you don't even like yourself. period.

tadi lepas dinner, aku duduk jap atas katil. berfikir. berfikir dan berfikir. mencari kekuatan. i just need one piece of advice. just one. mintak dengan kawan kawan rapat, rapat, macam adik beradik, diorg cakap,


tapi ni tak masuk kepala aku. it did not sink at all. rasa void. mintak dengan Tuhan. bagi aku kekuatan ya RABB. ingatkan aku balik. ingatkan aku balik.

pastu aku duduk lagi. berfikir.

and then it all started coming back again. last year aku ade merungut dekat abah. penat la, sakit la. abah senyum. abah penah cakap

aku teringat. haritu entah kenapa, abah tepuk belakang aku. abah ni, macam paham paham je anak dia dah patah semangat. bila abah tepuk, aku rasa semua benda aku boleh buat. aku rasa selamat. sebab abah tepuk.


abah dulu garang. garang sangat. takde nye nak pujuk kalau aku menangis ke apa. itu abah. dulu dulu zaman muda. tapi sekarang, aku da nampak abah yang sebenar benar abah. aku penah menangis depan abah. bukan sebab patah semangat, tapi sebab aku sedih tengok kaki adik melecur. i have a soft spot for my family members, esp my adik adik. pantang tengok adik terjatuh or sakit sikit, berair mata. entah kenapa.


haritu borak2 dengan mama. mama cakap antara anak anak dia, aku anak yang banyak sacrifice. abah cakap x payah pegi asrama penuh, aku ikut. walaupun kawan kawan ramai tinggalkan aku sorang demi sorang pegi mrsm la. sbp la. aku ikut cakap abah. abah cakap duduk rumah, jaga adik. jangan keluar. aku ikut. walaupun time tu kawan kawan ajak keluar lepak. aku ikut cakap abah.


mama nak sorang anak yang excellent. aku cuba sebaik boleh. tolak tepi benda benda yang budak lain buat. main internet, bersosial. aku ikut cakap mak.

entah kenapa. sekarang baru aku nk question semua benda. Tuhan da bagi macam macam. bila aku fikir aku akan fail, Tuhan bagi sebaliknya, jauh lagi baik. mak cakap, kalau anak taat ibu bapa, ilmu mudah ingat.


cukuplah sekali tu je aku buat onar. i've learned my lesson now dear GOD. i see now what you're trying to tell me. i see it now.

and i hate that i let you down. and i feel so bad about it.


takpe, x dapat apa yang kita nak di dunia sekarang x rugi apa apa. who knows, ALLAH akan bagi reward yang banyak kat akhirat nanti, right?


aku tak sampai hati nak derhakakan mama dan abah. no. tak sampai hati.

so dhamirah, pupuk hati dan semangat kau. jangan lemah. kalau jatuh, bangun balik. demi mama, demi abah, demi Tuhan.



ps- orang lain tak faham, kenapa kau mudah patah semangat. diorang bole cakap kau pengecut, lembik, tapi Tuhan maha tahu. jangan risau. DIA ada.

oh God why did you put me into pharmacy? why oh whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

i doubt that bipolarism is even a word. if anything, it's an abomination to the english language. haha. that's just typical me. always ruining everything in my path.


yesterday we had a little chat over lunch about what we're gonna become once we get out of university and become registered pharmacists. will we move forward and further our studies in pharmacy or do we simpy stop? will we become admin pharmacists? educational? industrial? all these questions seemed easy to them (my pharmacy seniors) but it's the other way around for me.


i remember when i was little. mulut tak henti cakap nak jadi doctor la, surgeon la. result spm da habis gempak dah. everything seemed to be going according to plan. my plan. parents superexcited to finally have a doctor in our family. but God had completely different plans for me. Tuhan, yang membalik balikkan hati para hambaNYA. i was not left out in this. in just 3 months, i had a sudden change of heart. i started questioning my intentions. true, i loved biology, and i still do. until this very day, itu subject yang aku paling skor sekarang. anatomy and stuff. and it's true as well that  loved many other things, history, linguistics.


i remember telling mum that i wanted to become a doctor for the money. that's it. itu goal aku. nothing else. how derailed i was. doing something for money, something that doesn't last longer than a fleeting second. how wrong my intention was.


i lost my senses. in the heat of the moment, finally i made a decision. a decision i'll continue making every single day. no matter how many faces i let down. no, bukan minat. bukan duit jugak. tapi sebab Tuhan gerakkan hati aku ke arah itu. so tak perlulah tanya kenapa aku tak study medic. tak payah buat muka keji bila tengok aku. aku one of top scoring 2007 spm students dalam malaysia, aku public speaker sekolah aku, kalau nak amik medic, tiada apa yang bole stop aku except ALLAH swt and Dia yang takdirkan aku berubah hati. Dia. BUKAN AKU SENGAJA SENGAJA SUKA SUKA. ingat aku suka ke hancurkan hati mak aku? patah hati aku. patah. kau tau apa. cuma tau mengkritik dan megutuk. ALLAH yang turunkan ujian ni kak aku. aku tak pernah mintak pun ujian macam ni. tak pernah. tapi ini rezeki aku. bahagian aku. cukuplah ALLAH sebaik baik perancang bagi aku. apa kau cakap tak penting bagi aku.






now, when people start asking me again, what am i gonna be once i graduate? aku dah tak taw nak cakap apa. bila aku sebut lecturer, rasa tak sedap. sebut community pharmacist, lagilah. hospital pharmacist, xyah citer ah. i'm scared that if i start telling people  wanna do this and this, padahal aku xde sedikit kuasa pun on takdir, i'll disappoint them eventually. hati aku Tuhan yang punya. sometimes, even i lose control over my heart.



this is a lesson learnt. the way i see it, i didnt fail, no. how could i have failed when God gave me all the best results that were the envy of everyone? no i didnt. it's simply God telling me to trust Him and that he holds the key to the future of His servants, not us. not us. not us.



and i still cant forgive myself for letting her down. i still am beating myself up because of it when it wasnt even my fault. 

if heartache was a physical pain, i could face it. but it's hurting me from inside of my head. im gonna lose my mind over this.

ps- terlalu mahu dan mahu, terlupa apa yang perlu. tak mudahnamun tak susah, terserah pada pilihan.

hey ho peeps. dah lama tak update stuff kat sini. nak buat camana, malas punye pasal. lol.   

by the way, cumil kan budak kecik tepi ni? *budak kecik, bukan mak cik yang pegang dia tu ok*.
nama dia ahmad zaki, anak a couple of postgrads kat sini. pipi kembang x hengggaat dunia! rasa nak gigit banyak banyak! haha.

chubby babies aside, there's something i need to let out once and for all here, so i can get a proper closure to the mess that i was in just a couple months ago.

the last 5 months had given me the most excruciating pain i've ever felt in 20 years. the pain of losing something that i hold very dearly and closely to my heart. i had to give up a form of convenience and resort to asking for help from friends. i became a beggar, overnight. just like that.

now, i dunno how people react when they are bereft of something that they're so very used to but for me, it's like losing a limb.  truth be told, i loved kazib. he was there whenever i needed him. tak pernah meragam. dia kereta yang loyal. and you might smirk and say : alah, kereta, bukan benda hidup pun. kalau da hilang, beli lah baru.



words are always easy. like the flowing river. but reality aint. nak beli kereta baru, housemates tak mahu. nak beli dengan duit sendiri, kalau campur dengan road tax and stuff, bole kebulur for a year. i felt like i had finally hit a cul de sac. no where to go. no loopholes. no exits. so i became angry. makan dalam orang melayu cakap. cuba cakap kat orang, tapi orang hanya mampu bagi simpati or just wat dono. aku lemas. my everyday was spent thinking if only i hadnt made that choice of coming to perth. i f only i had gone through with my first choice, monash, would things have turned out differently?


aku taw, tak elok fikir camtu. it's bordering on to shirk. i know. but when everything seemed grey and blurry, i couldnt have helped myself not to.


satu demi satu ujian ALLAH turunkan. sampai at one point, aku completely patah semangat. felt like my spine was crushed into a million tiny pieces. i couldnt get out of bed. always wanting to sleep. suicidal. nak jumpa orang pun tak nak. nak senyum apatah lagi. tapi orang sekeliling tak memahami. tak pernah memahami, that i am different.
all they had to say was, 'sudahlah tu, tak payah marah lagi. benda kecik je' but it wasnt just small potatoes to me. that was my last straw.



a week before the end of semester 1 exams, i video called mum. and told her ' ma, kakak nak balik'. mama tak tanya kenapa, aku pun tak cerita. mama tak pernah taw pun anak dia kena depression. pandai kan aku berlakon?

so i bought my tickets. mahal pun mahal lah. aku da tak kisah. at that moment, i just felt like disappearing and never to return. i hated this place. there was nothing here that could've made me stay. not a soul not a thing, not a single reason.


sampai je kat airport kb, i was all smiles. rindu mama and abah and adik adik. i felt like i had been reunited with my lost soul. semangat untuk bangun sedikit demi sedikit datang balik. by the end of my holidays, i was almost free of sadness. alhamdulillah.

hikmah

aku slalu tanya Tuhan. why was i the one to have to let go of everything, and sacrifice for everyone? mak pun cakap, aku anak dia yang banyak sacrifice. bukan nak menunjuk. takde ape yang nak dibanggakan. sacrificing is painful. kena banyak bersabar. tak taulah camana aku bole survive sampai sekarang. rasa marah of course tetap ade. tapi dengan pertolongan ALLAH, bisikan iblis duk hasut2 kadang2 aku dapat tepis. tapi kadang kadang, rasa marah tu akan datang visit. bila dia datang visit, dia stay agak lama. maybe that's why la kot once aku marah, aku marah sangat sangat, sampai orang baik pun aku nampak jahat.


tapi Tuhan Maha Adil. setiap yang Dia ambil, Dia kurnia yang jauh lebih baik kat aku. everytime. kadang2 rasa macam Tuhan bagi special attention kak aku. wallahua'alam. God knows, aku bukannya baik sangat. tapi entah kenapa, Tuhan tetap memberi. Tuhan Yang Maha Pemurah.


seminggu before flying back to perth, adik lelaki bongsu aku had a minor bone accident. an almost clean cut through his finger. tulang almost putus. ayah takde kat rumah. abang abang pun. in an instant aku jadi anak first. sepatutnya aku balik esoknye, but ikut nasihat kawan, aku beli tiket baru. i had spent almost a thousand dollars on flight tickets. tapi subhanallah, duit aku tetap cukup. rezeki daripada ALLAH. mak panic tengok darah kat jari adik. aku cakap kat mak, bawak adik p hospital. p hospital, doc cakap maybe kena potong, luruh jantung mama, mana tak, adik aku kecik lagi, losing a finger may sound trivial but trust me, adik aku mengerang kesakitan the whole time. "aduh tangan aku!" to a child, losing a finger means a whole lot more than just losing a finger. alhamdulillah berkat doa mama, surgeon in charge cakap still bole repair bone jari tu.

tapi ni pun ada hikmah. malam tu abang abang balik. alhamdulillah, dapat jugak kami gather satu family. mama pun nampak happy. semangat aku pun da fully recovered.





and now, whenever i think about all the things that had happened not long ago, i cant help smiling at the thought of it. luasnya Rahmat Illahi. kadang kadang, kita terlepas pandang. alhamdulillah. :)

kadang kadang anas buat kakak risau. sangat.

ps- cukup lah ALLAH sebagai pelindungku

ps- because nobody's perfect and you are who you are

omg terpeleot kaki. tak lah. saje pose ngancam tapi turned out tak ngancam langsung. damn.

oh hi peeps.

can i tell you something?

i miss the person who i used to be. i was told by a close friend of mine that i was one of the funniest persons she'd ever met.

i was baffled by this. for nights, i tossed and turned on this, am i really the person she thinks i am?
 have i lost myself?
have i?



teringat zaman sekolah menengah dulu. teringat masa kena panggil masuk bilik pengetua. kami berenam (ye ke? tak ingat). pengetua bengang gila dengan kitorang. why? come, aku citer.



tahun tu tahun 2007. tahun aku spm. stress gila babi tolong ah. aku and besties aku harapan nusa bangsa sekolah kitorang. muka kitorang la yang masuk pertandingan itu ini, bawak balik piala itu ini, harumkan nama sekolah (hidung kembang kejap, excuse me).


time tu baru abis paper bio kalau x silap aku. test mid year kah? aku tak berapa nak ingat la der. lama siot kot. anyway, aku sambung cite, that day, skolah organized camping perdana kat pantai ape tah, yang aku ingat aku berkenalan dengan otak-otak kat pantai tu lah. terima kasih kawan2 kerana sudi memperkenalkan otak otak ngan aku. 17 tahun duk kat kelantan sekali pon x pernah makan otak otak. buat malu je lah. org kelate konon, taik idung ko!.


anyway, kita sambung, so kami pon naik la bus sekolah yang brand new berkilat sinar banar ke pantai tersebut dengan perasaan yang amat tidak excited. kitorang set up the tents yang nak xnak je tegak, sbb site yang kami dapat x rata, damn lagi di situ. kitorang dulu masuk group seni pertahanan diri, karate tapi malangnya, x sempat test untuk white belt, kami quit. lol. malas lah nak angkat kaki sepak sepak udara. baik membuta kat umah lg ade pekdahnye.


petang tu, kami discover satu benda yang sangat horror, luruh jangtung aku kot. masuk tempat shower and toilet, kat mana mana je ade slua kecik laki. bengong ke hape. main tinggal2 je. ingat slua dalam murah ke? maybe budak2 yang tinggal tu anak anak tauke spender kot, bekalan sentiasa mencukupi so why not pakai buang merata rata. kurang asam punye budak. mau je aku sepak sepak. nasib baik aku x nightmare je malam nye tu. sheeesh.


malam tu, benda yang x dijangka berlaku. hujan ribut dowww! pokok patah pastu ade budak kena hempap. time tu aku and geng aku tgh duk lepak2 dalam tent. hajat hati mahu stay je dalam tent sampai hujan reda tp cikgu suruh kami kelua pegi masuk dewan besar. aku jenguk keluar tent, usha kawan2 aku kat dalam tent satu lagi. tent satu lagi memang nampak hopeless gila ah, da xde rupe tent dah, macam kain je, batang nye entah ke mana, tercabut habis. yang ajaibnye, bole pulak kawan2 aku dalam tent tu duduk dalam tu lagi. kehairanan melanda benakku. ish.



dengan kesedaran bahawa keselamatn kami mungkin terancam, aku pon ajak kawan2 aku sume p dewan. hujan turun dengan lebatnye. budak yang kena hempap tu berdarah woooo. huru hara gila time tuh. semua macam ambil kesempatan memekik tunjuk kehebatan vokal masing masing tak kurang juga cikgu2 in charge. mantap.


hujan reda, kitorg p cek-it-out tent kitorg. terkejut beruk. habisss smua basah, bekalan underwear, tuala, everything. kalau xyah pakai underwear xpe, ni dahla camping 3 hari, underwear basah, xkan nak pakai yang sama for 3 days, mahu tumbuh cendawan at underwear nnt. eeew.


so malam tu kami jadi extra berani. masing masing da xtahan dah. screw it. kitorang pon bersetuju untuk lari balik. kitorg call one of our mothers yang setuju untuk bersekongkol datang sneak us out.


mak aih, part nak sneak out of camp site tu mmg mencabar tahap kerbau ah. macam jadi spy pon ade. menyorok tepi kete, fuh the adrenaline, xnak bagi sape2 nampak. kete mak kawan aku menunggu kat pagar, dengan mengheret beg2 yang berat lagi basah, kitorg merangkak ke kereta itu. time nak masuk kete, aku berpaling ke belakang, cek kalau2 ade orang tengok. tup tup memang ade. aku ternampak ade dua brader pegang payung duk tercegat x jauh frm where i was standing. aku ingatkan hantu sbb nmpak hitam je, tapi manusia rupenye sebab kaki cecah tanah. aku wat dek. lantak ko la brader. kitorg pon blah kelua from tempat tu victoriously.


ahad nye tu, (kelantan, ahad skolah ye adik2) pengetua panggil kitorg masuk bilik dia. aku prasan pagi tu kat assembly semua cikgu pandang slack kat kitorg, something yang x pernah terjadi. selalunya cikgu2 akan senyum but not that day. kecuali cikgu kelas kitorg. hahahaha. siap gelak lagi kot. over je cikgu2 lain. chill sudeyh. bukannya kitorg bunuh sesape pon.

time nak masuk bilik pengetua, ade cikgu sapa kitorg. cikgu tu cakap how disappointed he was wth us. yang xle belah dia cakap kami xde jati diri. aku bingung. apa kaitan pulak dengan beras jati and diri kami? lama lama tu barulah aku paham, jati diri bukan bermaksud beras jati tapi rupa rupanya ade kaitan dengan akhlak kitorg. chillax sudah. jatidiri pulak dah.


anyway, tulah dia, the highlight of my senior year dekat smk zainab 1. semua cikgu ingat kitorg. budak2 yg lari balik. haha. lama jugak cikgu2 pandang slack, tup tup time spm results diumumkan, one of us became one of the top scoring spm students nationwide and all of us dapat result gempak kot. pandangan slack bertukar jadi sanjugan. wow.



see. ade org cakap aku serious. tapi orang xtaw aku ni student yang mcm mana time sekolah.

tapi skarang, nak wat bnda nakal dah x bole. xde geng do. sume budak2 kat uni aku skema. aku bohsan siot.

aku tak selalu dengki. aku jarang dengki kalau kawan baik aku dpuja puji instead of me. aku tak dengki. itu rezeki masing masing. aku tak dengki.
aku tak dengki kalau mak aku lebihkan adik adik or abang abang. aku tak dengki.
aku tak dengki tengok orang lain semua ade pakwe or makwe. aku tak dengki.
aku tak dengki kalau orang lain lagi mewah drpd aku. aku x dengki.




tapi aku sangat dengki bila tengok kawan kawan aku happy. and i'm struggling just to put a smile on my face.
aku sangat dengki bila hidup kawan2 aku jauh lagi senang drpd aku.
aku sangat dengki bila tengok how easy for my friends to profess and fall in love.
aku sangat dengki bila tengok kawan kawan aku could put so much trust in other people when i dont even trust myself
aku sangat dengki bila tengok kau bahagia, tapi aku tak.


ps- aku memang pelik, no?

i dunno about you but i do consider myself as a weirdo. a pessimist, a freak, a wallflower. i'd rather think about the situations i'm in rather than finding solutions or talk about it. i've been told countless times of how unapproachable and a stuck up i am but somehow or other , i cant be bothered to make them think any different of me. maybe i live in my very own world. maybe i am a misfit or maybe i am different.silence has always been my lifelong soulmate and it will never cease of being such. people talk about love with conviction but my faith in love is so flimpsy that it might break in a fleeting second. sometimes i wonder, what is soo wrong with me. what did go wrong? why am i the way i am today? why are my clouds always dark and dense, constantly threatening rain? why cant i ever let anybody in? and sometimes too, why cant anybody understand me? am i that hard to interpret? hmm?

no. am not a big fan of korean pop music but their dance routine is just addictive. just look closely the way they move their feet. sliding sideways so very smoothly as if they were dancing on slippery ice.



ps- the first few seconds of the mv are just too icky for me. eeew poyo poyo.

if you're reading this, i just wanted to apologise for my behaviour of late.
i am sorry, for making you feel unworthy of me, but hear me out, you come second after my family.
i am sorry for the cold shoulder that i've been giving you but hear me out, i couldnt face you because your face was just too noble for my eyes.
i am sorry if in anyways i've hurt your feelings, but hear me out, i never meant any of the hurt i've caused you.
i am sorry for pushing you away when you were trying to help me up but hear me out, i felt ashamed for not being strong enough in your presence.
i am sorry for always letting you down, but hear me out, im not playing hard to get or anything, i just dont know how i should react when you're around.
i am sorry from the very bottom of my heart, but hear me out, i am different and i have some rough edges that i dont want you to see.
i am sorry for everything that i've done, but hear me out, i don't know how to let you in.



and if you walk away now, i will understand. but if you stay, it will mean the world to me.


ps- gila meroyan ke hape pompuan nih

1. if we never had to work a day in our life. just be the queen that we are. filthy rich and unreachable


2. if we could all go back in time when we were all just happy kids spinning away on the merry go round at the park in front of our parents' houses.


3. if could eat everything nice to our taste buds without ever worrying if we're gonna fit that dress ever again


4. if there had never been wars ever in the pages of history


5. if we lived in a place where everything is just free of charge


6. if looks didnt matter


7. if we could just forget our pains and sorrows, effortlessly


8. if we could pass all our exams and tests without having to work ridiculously hard and later worrying over them.


9. if pain and sadness never existed.


10. if i could muster up some courage to tell you how much i want you to stay here with me.

you're the only one who gets me. and i just cant explain how you do it but do. and i wish i had the guts to face your rejection but i dont.


i dont want you to ever leave me but what can i do when i cant even look at you straight in the face and ask you to stay here with me?

i never told you this but no matter how much my mum seems to be pressuring me, expecting so much from me (academically mostly) she's my only stress remedy, my personal highly potent antidepressant, my precious st john's wort.


just now, while i was stressing out, piles of notes strewn all over my desk, a text message came.

the message says:

"wat gapo tu? packing doh ko?" oh and yes, i'm coming home in less than a week. aint that a joy.


i replied: "duk stadi. stress. ade 3 paper killer. x bawak luggage pon, bwk balik laptop jah.huhu" and some ole ole for my parents and adik2. im the only child in my family who had enuff guts to study abroad. lol.


in less than 5 seconds, another text came. from mum:



see what i mean? :)

no i was not adopted, i just take after my dad's looks

ps-  i ) i pray for God's mercy unto my mom. here and in the hereafter.
       ii) please2 God, please make it easy for me for my last three papers, please lift my burden off my shoulders. please oh dear God the most merciful.

Add caption

uurgh. poor snail. melting away. exactly how i am feeling at this very moment.
so three papers done with, although i am not particularly confident with my answers but heck, it's all behind me, tawakal sudah. phew.

so now i've got two more papers to sit for and an oral exam to top it off. yeeepeeee. being a pharmacy student is the best fucking thing ever happened to me. no kidding. but still, alhamdulillah. ade la jugak rezeki nak timba ilmu kan. kalau idok. meratap aku kat umah.

oh my God, im so freaking exhausted.
*entah brapa kali da aku duk habaq kat hang sume aku letih kan. mengada je*


today tetibe in the mood for a special entry. this one is dedicated to my future hubby. honey, bila mau menjelma? im bored with all these stupid girls around me all the time. i need a HUBBY.


you know how much we girls always emphasize on finding the right kind of person to be our soulmate? what about us? are we perfect enough? do we measure up to their expectations?

so hear hear honey, you're about to discover all the things about me that not many people know. partly because of my silence and introvert factors. haha.

on with the countdown shall we?


10.  i am soooo not a morning person unless you're making me an early super delicious breakfast. if not, dream on.


9.  i have a temper and honey,and when my lips are pouting and my forehead is constantly creased, then you'll know that something is ticking me off. and it's at these moments that I NEED YOU THE MOST.


8. i may have a hard external but honey, im jelly soft on the inside, and i hate it when people cakap ganas2 dengan i. i sedeh taw. :(


7. i NEED you to buy yourself a car and a house before marrying me, ok?


6.  i love to laugh. trust me. i do. and yes, i can be funny and silly too despite my grim-looking facial expression.



5. i am prone to become depressed, and my anger has everything to do with it. sometimes i even think im bipolar. *have i scared you off yet?*


4. i'll spoil you like a brat. i love spoiling and pouring my affection to my loved ones. see, im soft on the inside.



3. i am not a keen cook. soo. could we like alternately cook for each other? teeheee



2. i looooooove going out shopping or even as simple as a walk in the park. i love fresh air.



1. i've had this vision of wearing a niqab since last year. would you be all right if i did? pleeeasseeeee. doesnt mean that im not gonna wear sexy pick a boo stuff at home for you. gahahahaha.

no two persons are the same, right?

i've got more to lay down but i've said too much already. oh and yes, you should know that when i like you, like really really like you, i would not make eye contact and speak to you. why? simply because you make my heart pound a little bit too hard and i cant speak when that happens. :)






ps- argh. bersepahnya bilik! i hate this!

that's my exam schedule. and those are my notes. *why am i showing u these?? dunno*

i found this in some guy's blog. yes, by chance. like it was meant for me.

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
22. Why are you, you?
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
25. What are you most grateful for?
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
32. If not now, then when?
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

the blog:

sadly these are my two bffs for now. i keep convincing myself that i'll somehow pull through it but by some evil force or something, it keeps crawling up my spine all the way to my medulla oblongata and the nightmare replays all over again.

how i wish i could just make these two disappear with just a snap of my fingers but the reality is it never goes down that way.

the confidence that i had spent years building has yet again crumbled down like a slippery landslide. i just have to rebuild it again, brick by brick except that i don't fucking know how exactly i'm going to do that. i'm out of tricks and my devices are all worn out and rusty.


true, all the things that happened to me have made me somewhat a stronger and more agile of a woman, i can't deny that but i have to admit, deep down inside, i never forgave them, not really. because they took my chance at happiness away from me.


i know, im sounding a little vengeful right now but you can't blame me for standing up for myself. after all, i am the victim here *hello?!*

there's even a mind map on revenge. how funny.

two years back, a friend told me that she had a friend, whose name was similar to mine.
i asked, "is she like me?". inquisitive me.
and she said "no. she's pretty"


and curiosity had killed the inquisitive cat in me. i will NEVER forgive her for sayin such thing right to my face. i mean, what a bitch, she dared to criticise my looks. dude, i am pretty and beautiful just the way i am and it's just sad and pathetic you didnt see that. what a loser. kau tu bukannya cantik sangat, mulut macam hape je. reti nak mengumpat orang je. your soul reeks, man. jawabla ko ngan Tuhan nanti kenapa kau x pernah nak mintak maaf ngan aku. dont say i  didnt warn you, bitch.



ok. im tired. until next time.


ps- "mama, kalau by fourth year kakak xde calon lagi, mama tolong carikan eh?"
      " xyah menggelabah nak cari calon, duduk enjoy ngan mama and abah dulu la.."
      *tears*

       i just realised, we're all grown up now and the house mom and dad are living in, gets emptier each passing moment. i guess mama misses me. :)

insyaALLAH, i'll be coming home for the holidays sooooon!! i seriously need to get outta this wretched place.

perth to kl and back

kl to kb and back

best part is, mom's gonna reimburse my ticket funds. yeaay!

im gonna start writing stupid quirky stuff again soon. maybe after exams are over. guh. wait for it.


ps- dear mr sadness, shoo!

no i dont wanna bitch about how crappy my life is right now. arrgh. its just one thing after another being thrown at me out of nowhere. it's like the most unlikeliest things are happening to me right now, ranging from being a victim to two backstabbing bitches to not having the will to get myself out of bed every freaking morning (i wake up at 11am these days. geez. exams are in two weeks man. *slap myself across the face*)

but like what dad would always say to me, and i quote:


typical dad. always throwing comforting words at me. i know for a fact that he loves me more that anybody else in my family. hahaha. trust me, i know. because before i flew out to perth to pursue my oh-so-cool studies in total kiasuness and narcissistic nerdiness (dont mind the spelling.), we didnt really communicate much except for important father to daughter stuff. you know, stuff. but things started to lighten up ever since i flew overseas and started living here for the most part of the year. the person dad is now is way different from the kind of dad he used to be probably because of the age factor (well might as well be). now not only he's interested in what i have to say, surprisingly he constantly enquires about my everyday life, you know classes and stuff. he wasnt always like that, im telling you.


the whole time when i was in primary school all the way to high school, dad would send me to and pick me up from school everyday and everyday in the car, there would just be this awkward silence between us which to me was almost deafening to the ears. it literally numbed my mind all the way down to my colon i kid you not. we wouldnt even utter a word unless him asking me about my exam results and that was all there was to chat about. we wouldnt normally talk about jibber jabber stuff. dad used to be a very serious person (geez, that explains a lot).


what am i getting at actually by telling you all this? you know when our prophet told us that the person worthy of our attention and love the most is our mom, he never said that we should just let our relationship with our dad wilt away. i think our dad too, deserves our love and attention once in a while. this hit me as i was growing into adulthood. somehow my eyes were forced open by the harsh reality i'm in right now that dad has done so many things for me and my siblings just to bring food to the table and put us all through school and college. i mean just looking at him now breaks my heart. how worn out and aged he looks now. all because of us.


my dad doesnt really smile. he doesnt have a smiling countenance unlike many of us do (that obviously doesnt include little old me). so that kind of sends off a message pretty much saying 'dont bother me, im too tired for your crap' aint it? that's what i used to think whenever i looked at him. hell, i didnt even have the guts to look at him straight in the face because dad had always looked so stern and fierrrce. somehow or other, there was an accidental barrier formed between us and that barrier had affected me deeply all these years. i was growing up, missing out on all those father to daughter moments that my friends had had and all i could do was nod and smile as they went on and on about how cool their dads were and there i was, unable to exchange a single story about how awesome i wish my dad was.



but that was yesterday. today, he's my pillar of strength. unlike mom, he'd always go easy on me now, hell, i feel a lot more comfortable talking about stuff with him than mom because all mom ever does is point out the errors in my ways whilst dad, he would joke about my mistakes, turning things around for the better.

i know, i take after him.

God knows how much i miss having him around. and God knows how much i resemble every little molecule in his body. i am truly, hands down, my dad's daughter. aint that a comforting thought. ;)



ps- i write better than i speak. and for you bitches who stabbed me in my back, kiss my ass and go staright to hell. im a bitch with an attitude to match for.

if mom ever reads this, ill be damned.

go here. click on forever and always. and you'll know how i feel about you.

somehow, i feel happy again. thanks guys :)

you wanna know why my face is constantly contorted and makes me look as if im scowling?


it's because i'm always thinking on ways to end my misery. don't tell me that im not trying hard enough to move on, it's what i do every single second of my life. but what can i do if pain never fails to catch up with me when even i'm two steps ahead?

i know it makes me look scary and ugly and whatever but my face is ugly as it is so why bother hiding away that facial expression anyways?

i need you to come and fix me. please. be my saviour. because i'm slipping away.don't care who you are. just fix me.

i told mama i didnt ever want to repeat a single semester in my course. thus, i'm busting my back studying 3 weeks b4 the finals. am i not a good soldier?

i love these words