pierrot

it hasnt even been a week an already i feel so caged and suffocating. i wish i had my own apartment, earn my own money painstakingly, wake up every morning listening to the chirping birds outside my windows, cooking only when i feel like it, spending my life in silence and in discreet, without the presence of anyone at all. my own home. where i can listen to myself think not feel stressed out because i'm so lacking as a daughter. as a sister. i feel so darn frustrated. me living with other human beings should be made against the law. i mean, even when i dont say anything, people get irritated. i hurt everybody around me even when i dont intend to. i'm such a poison to the society i should be banned.

i'm not a person whom you can air your grievances, i cant be your confidant. my heart and soul are so damaged i dont think i could listen to anyone else's woes and troubles without feeling disgusted and irked. i am not a good person. my heart is no longer sound. it's shattered so many times i think the only way to bring the pieces back together again is by living in solitude. if you knew me well, you'd agree.   i am sorry for my own shortcomings. i am sorry if by any chance that i'd hurt you. i just want my freedom. something that is so fluid, i cant even grasp it with my hands.


i am sorry. but i have some serious issues with myself sometimes i think i must've lost it somewhere along the line.   i just wish i could wriggle myself free and live alone. in perth and in malaysia. but of course, emancipation doesnt always come upon request, sometimes, it comes after years of perseverence. years. sounds long but then again, i dont know how much longer i have to live this life.  



dear God, please, fix me.