"for all my education, accomplishments and so-called wisdom....i can't fathom my own HEART" - woody allen
doesnt everyone of us feel the same way as the quote above? no matter how high our education is, our heart still plays riddles on us.
i remember conjuring pictures of i myself holding a baby girl, happily chatting away with my husband over tea. enjoying the fine refreshing breeze of the evening waiting for the sun to set down and disappear beyond the horizon. but i never once imagined that i would be so scared of commiting myself to another person in a relationship. the pain that i constantly see in mum's eyes, her silent tears, are breaking my heart into a tiny million pieces.
no matter how much people keep on talking and preaching about love about willingness to sacrifice for our better halves, i just cant understand why love is such a strange and absurd idea to me. i thought i could bounce back from all of this but no. now, i feel numb all over and lifeless. i have nothing to look forward to except death. friends are out of reach. mum is in pain. dad is just too busy weaving lies, my brothers are all married and i've never felt so alone and powerless as now.
and you. why do i think about you all the time? you are my anger, my sadness...and unfortunately my happiness. how long do i have to endure this for?
i dont even trust my own father. how can i ever trust anybody else? it's just impossible.
i am dead beat. i cant cry anymore. my chest hurts. my smiles are meaningless. it feels like i'm standing on a cliff, waiting for God to save me. because i have no saviour to come running to my rescue. because i cannot trust anyone anymore. i wont trust anyone anymore.
ps- because of you, i cry.
