it's been almost two days since i arrived back in perth. i don't exactly know how to describe it. all those emotions that i'd left in perth before departing to malaysia 3 months ago, are slowly creeping back into my life. the worst thing is, i can't cast them off anywhere. it feels as if i'm at a cul de sac, no sideways exits. stuck and unable to move forward.
"Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn’t so…"
back at home, my family was always around, comfort surrounded me always. after all that had happened last year, keeping everything to myself was the worst mistake i've ever done in my entire life.
"you were hurting all this while, all by yourself?"
i found inner peace and solace only after confiding all that had happened to those who were concerned. but that solace was only for a fleeting moment. now i'm back at the same spot. stuck in a loophole, always arriving at the starting point no matter how hard i try to escape the circle.
"I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got"
i keep telling myself that i should just move on, no matter how big the hurdle in front of me is, but what am i to do when these treacherous thoughts keep recurring in my mind? just when i thought that i was better off, i fell flat on the ground again.
"Whenever your will starts crashing down
That's when you find me."
i don't blame destiny. this was decreed by God Himself and i accepted it with open arms. i know He will set me 'free' someday. someday.
"tiada duka yang abadi didunia
Tiada sepi merantaimu selamanya
Malam 'kan berakhir, hari 'kan berganti
Takdir hidup 'kan dijalani
Tangis dan tawa nyanyian yang mengiring
Hati yang rindukan cinta dijalan-Mu
Namun ku percaya hati meyakini
Semua akan indah pada akhirnya"
my soul is screaming for help but i'm always stifling it, because i know that if i ever voice it out, no one will come to my rescue. no one ever does. everybody seems to be deceived by my outer tough layer that they've forgotten the soft, fragile core inside of me. but i don't blame them. it just saddens me that i have everyone to turn to except the courage to voice it out and to trust again.
"What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on
And i don’t even know what kind of things I’ve said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again"
i'm in a lot of trouble aren't i?
ps- i have to go back temporarily to my family this june. i have to. i need time to heal, will you be patient?
