"bila nak kahwin?"

salam. i hope everybody's been doing well. if so, let's take some time to verbally thank ALLAH swt, the Lord of the Worlds, for giving us another day to dwell in this world and make the best out of it.

now, i dont know about you but at my age, marriage and commitment are impending.

a couple of years ago, i was asked by my grandma,

"ado doh ko boyfrend? buleyh doh ni nok nikoh"

mak aih nenek aku. mau seghia aku dibuatnya. you know, seghia.

la. seriau la!

my mum is no different from her mother. she too, has posed me some personal questions. if you could just scroll down for a bit, you'll find the detailss of our conversation in my very first post. 

it's a little bit daunting for me to have to answer and make up excuses for these questions and frankly, i never thought that this day would come.

my two elder brothers are getting engaged soon and i am next in line. gosh. 

i wish i could just tell my mom that i have found the right person and that i am all set to exchange vows with my future husband but the reality is a farcry from what i have in mind.

    probably because most men dont get me. some of my friends have the impression that i am this approachable , non-hazardous gal, the type that they'd like to hang out with as much as they do with their gay guy friend. but what they dont know is that i can be a little, as americans put it, 'bitchy' at my worst. and this is when they cant stand me. being a female is not just scientifically tough, it's also emotionally and physically challenging. every month, 'somebody' will come knocking at my front door, messing with my whole hormonal  regulations. i become a cranky sourpus, and it's essential to note that  even at my best, i may not be able to suppress my anger. i am like a walking volcano, ready to erupt and i'll be spewing my larva everywhere around me and people closest to me will suffer the most. pity them. i mean, who can stand an angry woman? no one! and i seriously doubt that a man can put up with my moodswings. *sigh*

 first of all i envision that in the near future, i'll be a woman with a career, full steam ahead! no stopping no nothing. i want to attain my phd and secure a position as a top notch pharmacy lecturer domestically or if 'ada rezeki', internationally. this is not going to happen if i just sit tight and simply space out. i have to dedicate most of my undivided attention to my career building. and if i get married now, i'm afraid that my family would become a collateral for me achieving my dreams. i've seen people done this, juggling between family an career, it aint easy and some of them have failed and consequentially, lost their families and their jobs. i mean, isnt that scary enough for you? i am confident to say that i am quite good at multitasking but this is just way too freaky for me. '=.=

    no, not the regular tall, dark, handsome. that's ancient. i want a true muslim. one who can actually lead the prayer, to be the imam in my five daily prayers. one who knows much and has delved deep into the islamic knowledge, jurisprudence and stuff. one who is not held back by pity to actually correct me when i am wrong and mistaken. one who can symphatise and has empathy. one who is not self-absorbed or ujub. one who loves GOD and His messengerr, prophet Muhammad pbuh more than he loves me, and one who is sincerely marrying me, overlooking and embracing my defects and shortcomings, and put his trust in God for uniting us both, not critical nor censuring towards me. so tell me if such person exists nowadays  *tetibe terpikir pasal imam muda*. 

i've told you enough. now, my fate is in His hands. whatever or whoever He decides or chooses for me, i hope it's for the betterment of my character and the well being of my heart.